Depression Musing, I

Depression

Watching other people laugh, that hurts the most.

Wearing my headphones and listening to songs from back when I was happy, watching them talk and laugh and be normal.

I type harder and faster, thinking that maybe my flying fingers can drown out the sounds of other people, being normal.

This is where the resentment comes in: how dare they be normal?

This is where the confusion comes in: why aren’t I?

A depressed person isn’t necessarily someone who is eternally sad or mopey (emo does NOT equal depressed). I believe I have been at some level of depression since high school, and I have certainly had happy times, great times even.

It’s more like those cheap gray-shaded glasses you can buy at gas stations. Depression shades everything in my life in one or another shade of gray. It’s like a weight I have to carry everywhere.

It hurts to watch other people have fun, to laugh together, to ‘get’ each other. And at the same time its shaming, because I keep thinking that if I was just a little less lazy, a little more open, I could have that too.

At this point I guess I’m just babbling.

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~ by fayeelizibeth on 05.06.2010.

3 Responses to “Depression Musing, I”

  1. I don’t think you are lazy … it is not a character flaw. There is a biological basis…the brain of a person with clinical depression functions markedly different than the brain of someone without it.

    I can relate to every word you said. I always say, depression steals all of the light. It robs people of really living. It’s lonely. And generally unbearably painful. I don’t know if you’ve tried meds, but I do recommend it. The right ones can truly make a world of difference.

  2. If you have any med questions, I may be able to be helpful. The last 5+ years, I’ve been somewhat obsessively researching (for school and on my own) mental illness and how it relates to neurobiology…and psychopharmacology. I have a lot of information and some useful resources. So, drop a line on Facebook if you need anything, ok?

    • Thanks for commenting, it really means alot…especially when you say you can relate…i have a hard time having people even believe me, because i don’t “look depressed” whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean…i guess because i sometimes smile, because i laugh when something’s funny…

      i’m probably going to do another post(s) about it in the near-future (hence why i called this one “I”, expect “II”, “III”, and so-on) and i’m going to talk to my dr. about options next time i see him, my health insurance covers some counseling sessions, maybe i’ll try something like that…

      thanks again for commenting!

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