Friendships End…

I don’t know if I’m mourning the loss of that friendship, or the fact that I have never since been that close to someone.

A person who used to be a friend of mine got married recently. As I am not close to them, I was not invited (duh, or else why would I be writing this?). I’m fairly certain that person will never read this blog, but people are always getting married, especially in the summer, so I doubt I am saying anything incriminating by stating that. Not that I am incriminating anyone, by any means. (If you know who it is, please refrain from calling them out in any way, as this is NOT about them, thanks.)

I guess what I’m trying to get at here is a sense of loss, on my part. I am not saying that it is this person’s fault, I mean, people grow apart all the time. It’s certainly not this person’s fault. Really, this is about me. I am in no way blaming or vilifying this person for not having me in their life anymore. It’s useless to do so, we will never have that connection again, and that’s the way it is, and while I mourn the connection, I do not wish to be close to this person again, as we are completely different people than we were when we were kids, and there is no reason to discuss this with them.

This is about my confusion about how to go about making friends. I have no idea how to become close to someone, how to accomplish that. I know there are people who are close, but I have no idea how to do that. I have no idea how one goes from “Hi, my name is Malory, but I’m called Faye” to “Hey, want to come over to my house and watch a movie/hang out in the library and study/grab a cup of coffee together/hit the bar and see a band?” or “I just got an invite to *someone*’s wedding.” I have no idea how to progress a relationship through those stages. It’s like I completely don’t get other people at all.

It’s not that I haven’t tried. Really. I do talk to people that I find interesting, talk to co-workers, I’ve modeled, I’ve been in a show, I’ve joined facebook. But whatever the next step is, I cannot accomplish it. Some people like to tell me “it takes time” well, when you haven’t had a real connection, a real “best” friend, since the 8th grade, you start to doubt that it’s time that’s taking so long and if it isn’t just you.

It’s not that I’m not close to anyone. I have Zachary, I have my sisters, I have Zak’s brothers, and my family, etc. But it’s not the same thing. Not to belittle those relationships (at all!) but I don’t have someone who I could call and ‘just talk’ to. No pretense. No discomfort. No wondering with every word if I’m gonna say the wrong thing and piss them off.

I also feel like everyone else has already made friends; like at this point in someone’s life they are already close to the people they are going to be close to, and that getting into those groups becomes harder and harder as we all get older. Although I cannot hold this to be a universal truth, as I have literally watched people become friends right in front of me, and sat there, pondering why I was unable to ‘break into’ their group, despite things that I thought would be in common between us.

I wonder if this is something that just takes time, and I feel if more of my life were in order than I could make more time and space for socializing.

I should get on that.


~ by fayeelizibeth on 06.20.2010.

One Response to “Friendships End…”

  1. You’re not the only one who finds building friendships a complete mystery. I envy those people who can just ask someone they barely know to hang out. It’s like dating, but even more awkward, IMHO. That said, I’m learning to keep my ego out of it (meaning if they say no, it’s not the end of the world, and it doesn’t mean I’m not awesome. ha!).

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