Why I am afraid to be diagnosed.

I have been meaning to write this post for a while, but it’s hard to put into words…

One level: I am most certainly depressed. I have suicidal thoughts often. My moods can switch like a blinking Christmas tree. I am epically unhappy with my circumstances (my job, especially). I cannot keep a train of thought for more than a few seconds unless I’m really interested.

On the other hand: I like a lot of aspects of who I am. I openly weep at movies, which is a great release for me. I am creative because of my mind jumping all over the place. I actually LIKE being unhappy with my job because someday that will motivate me to do something else (when it is financially possible for me to move on). I have a sky-high sex drive.

Two things I am terrified at the thought of about being diagnosed as “depressed”

1. That I won’t be diagnosed as anything. That the doctor will say to me “you’re not depressed, you just need to shut up and deal, this is life, little girl!” (ok, I am aware that no actual doctor would word it that way, but I’m afraid that will be the gist)

2. Medication. I don’t want to be doped up. I don’t want to become even complacent in my job. I don’t want to loose my sex drive, or my creativity, or my bouncing thought process.

Basically, all the things that I feel make me unique are things that I’m afraid may be “cured” if I go on medication. For many years, my depression was my uniqueness. It was my difference. I didn’t ask to be this way, but  it gave me a place. A space that I could inhabit without judgment.

What if I’m NOT depressed (clinically) then it will feel like my whole life has been a ‘poor me’ act. And if I am, the outcome isn’t much better.

So if anyone wants to ask me why I don’t want to go to a doctor right now, those are your answers, pick one.

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~ by fayeelizibeth on 08.10.2010.

2 Responses to “Why I am afraid to be diagnosed.”

  1. Well, sure, that’s what everyone’s afraid of – that’s what sucks about depression, a built-in fence against getting help for it.

    But I take anti-depressants, so maybe I can tell you about how I feel. It may not change your mind, but it’s some more info to help you decide.

    I take fluoxitine, which is the generic for Prozac. It got a lot of bad press when it first came out, but I don’t see why – I don’t feel like a different person at ALL, and I don’t feel “doped up” in the slightest.

    Some things are different. That little voice in the back of my head that says “Don’t bother, you’ll just fail, don’t even try” is barely there any more.

    I’m more focused, more able to stay on task. I’m a very creative person and have many projects, but finished very few. I’m better at that now. Not magically great, but much better.

    I still feel all the emotions I did before. I still cry at movies & books & all the other things I always did. I still get ridiculously happy at stupid shit – ’cause that’s just me.

    I was suddenly dumped by someone I loved and it hurt a LOT. Still does. I’m trying to move on, and still can’t get rid of the hope that I can somehow “get him back”. All normal responses. But this time, my work and the rest of my life is suffering less. Last time I was hurt this bad, my whole life collapsed to the point where I was evicted & sleeping on a friend’s couch.

    I’m not LESS “me”, I feel I’m MORE “me”. But that’s just me. 😉

    I do hope you look into it, though. Over the years I’ve known a few people who had suicidal thoughts all the time that eventually gave in. Every time it was a spur of the moment thing – no note, no goodbye calls, no planning, no nothing. Just a sudden gunshot or something, usually with the person they love the most finding their body.

    One of them was Doug Hopkins, founder of the Gin Blossoms. He had been at a party, no more depressed than usual. His new band was starting to take off. His girlfriend found him the next morning; to this day, no one’s sure exactly what triggered it.

    You know there are people who would miss you, too.

    When I went to get tested for fibromyalgia, I was also terrified that there wouldn’t actually be something wrong, that the doctor would say it’s all in my head and I was a hypochondriac. I’m not, but he didn’t just dope me up on pain meds, either, he also gave me an exercise regimen and a lot of literature on how to LIVE with fibro, not “suffer” with it.

    If you do get on one medication and hate it, talk to your doc. You can try something else. Or, some people go on meds for a year or so, and then wean themselves off of them to see if their brain has gotten used to not being sad. I’m not that kind (I have a physical brain-chemical imbalance), but my ex-bf’s doc backed him off of his, and he’s doing fine.

    Getting a diagnosis is not a life sentence – you’re still in control of what you do, and can always stop doing it later.

    Good luck!

  2. If you want the name of an excellent gestalt therapist who works on a sliding scale, will not diagnose you as anything or prescribe drugs, contact me- seriously.

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